I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
