Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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