i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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