After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
