I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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