all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
