the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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