I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
