I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
