I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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