oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
