Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Randomize
