That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
