Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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