Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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