My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
