Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
