I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
