I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
