i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
