if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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