Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
