Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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