He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
