All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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