I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
