I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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