So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
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