help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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