He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Boobs speak an international language.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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