I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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