Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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