Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
