My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
