i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
