If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize