Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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