swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
