Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
