you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
