don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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