I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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