Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
