I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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