alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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