if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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