i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
