There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
