Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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