Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
