i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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