Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
