Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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