I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
