I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
