We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
