I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
