I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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