Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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