I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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