Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
