well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
